Do you listen to the thoughts that are constantly flying through your mind? It's a funny thing when you stop and listen to the things you are constantly telling yourself. Although we always think that our minds are filled with gibberish, the truth is that all of those things we are telling ourselves remain in our minds and often shape how we feel.
Yes, some morning, just stop what you are doing and listen to yourself. Are you just babbling on about things you plan to do today or are you working out full conversations with someone you need to talk to later on? All of us do that, you know. You aren't the only one who works out complete dialog as if you had any idea what that other person might really say.
But that's not the kind of self-talk that I am thinking about tonight. I am talking about all those things we say to ourselves while we are washing dishes or heading for that last turn before the last of your 50 lap walk around the little gym or as David is tying his tie before he heads out the door to conquer the world.
Some people, like David, have a constant run of criticisms of themselves, the brain mumbling things about how he should have listened to his mother all those years ago as she tried to teach him to make the perfect knot. Oh, but he was too busy to do it the right way, and he simply never learned how.
As David goes out the door, his mind has a running list of all the things he sees that should have been done over the weekend and he tells himself that had he not been so lazy, the garage door would have been repaired, the rose garden fertilized, the car taken in for its inspection. And as he rehearses each offense, he rebukes himself for not being a better provider, a better father, a better neighbor.
By the time he has backed the car down the drive, his mind is back to the bill paying that he had done the night before; and once more, he is telling himself that he is a poor provider for his family and berating himself over choices he made many years before. Can you even imagine what a storm of unhappy bumble bees conflict within his brain as he tries to think?
All of that is the result of negative self-talk, perhaps one of the most devastating habits adults allow themselves. Sometime in the late '80's, I read a book on the subject of self-talk and decided to do something different in my own life and began a very determined effort to change my way of thinking. I know, you are thinking that your thoughts are automatic. There isn't much you can do to stop them.
True. Thought is automatic. But the fact that you have thought about something doesn’t mean that it is true or good or even useful. In fact, the opposite is often true as those thoughts can often be destructive; but self-talk can be changed. To begin, you have to be aware of the fact that this self talk goes on inside your brain all of the time and at lightening speed. When you notice, you discover that you are constantly in conversation with yourself, everything from congratulations to beating up on yourself. But until you stop and think about what you are telling yourself, you may not be aware that what you tell yourself automatically all the time does have an effect on how you feel about what you do, what you are.
If you will begin to check up on yourself from time to time and listen to what you are telling yourself about yourself, you can begin to change any negative thoughts you have and add a strong positive line of thought in your life. When you get to the point that you believe that everything is all wrong, ask yourself just what you are saying to yourself. And remember that just thinking something does not make it a fact. It is simply a thought.
When one of those common negative thoughts comes along, remembering that it is ONLY a thought takes much of its power away. Don't listen; tell it that it has no power against you. And change that thought to something more realistic. On a day when you are fine and thinking good thoughts, look at the things you have been hearing yourself say. How many are completely unrealistic negativity and need to be tossed out? How many are completely unreal and almost ridiculously positive? Identify those. And keep only those thoughts that are realistic and can help you grow.
Now, you have determined that you know that you talk to yourself all of the time and those things that come into your mind are simply thoughts and not facts. You can analyze your thoughts and separate those which are valid from those which are not. And last, you should replace those thoughts that lie to you with good thoughts, valid thoughts, positive thoughts, thoughts that will allow you to grow, be a better mother, a better student, a happier person.
When you have tossed out all of those negative thoughts that disturb and prevent your being the very best person you can be, and have replaced them with valid, positive thoughts, you will learn that you can become your own best friend, your own cheerleader. I used to tell my students that I was their greatest cheerleader; but it took me a very long time to learn to be my own cheerleader. And now I have changed. Most of my self-talk is positive. I no longer beat myself up over those things I cannot do. I try to recognize those things I can do and those I cannot do and be realistic about the choices I make.
And when I see something I feel that I NEED to do, such as get my personal bath room sparkly clean and organized, rather than beat myself up over what I simply never seem to get done, I tell myself that I will eventually complete the job, but I will do it in small bits, a little every day, until it is done. I still don’t like the fact that it isn’t done yet; but I am not talking myself into deep depression. I am encouraging myself to get it done, planning, mentally preparing, cheering myself on.
I am learning. Even on one of the very bad days when the Fibromyalgia is beating me up, I do not let my thoughts add to that. I have long given up the indulgence of thinking about how bad I feel, how much I hurt, how little I am able to do, how seldom I am able to do things with other people. Instead, I have learned to spend that time, doing those things that allow me to pamper myself so that I will be over this episode sooner, feel much better a day earlier than usual, get back on my feet, and accomplish something I want to do.
That’s so much better than lying around, feeling bad and complaining, telling myself all those things about myself that are NOT good, just feeling bad and wishing it were not so, thinking about other people who do so much more, comparing myself to friends who are my age and are so much better at accomplishing things. Now when a day of doing that is over, where am I? Feeling sorry for myself, crying, feeling worse emotionally, wanting to hide in bed somewhere until it is all over. And what does a day like that lead to? Too often, another one just like it. At that rate, it takes much longer to begin to have good days, truly productive days.
Those of you who discover that you are talking to yourself with negative self talk can change all that by planning deliberately positive things to say to yourself, just as you have learned to use coping skills effectively. And as you reassure yourself, encourage yourself, and cheer yourself on, you will find yourself achieving at a much higher level and loving yourself through your efforts.
